In an episode of The Happiness Lab, Dr. Laurie Santos kicks off the new year by diving into a topic that hits home for many of us: embracing imperfection. She’s joined by Oliver Burkeman, the author of Meditations for Mortals, to explore the concept of “imperfectionism” and how it can lead to a more fulfilling, balanced life. This episode brings a refreshing perspective on shedding the unrealistic pressure of perfection and instead finding joy in the messiness of life. Whether in our personal lives, work, or relationships, Dr. Santos and Burkeman offer practical advice for accepting and even celebrating our limitations.
The Myth of Perfection
Perfectionism is a concept that runs deep in many areas of life, from work and relationships to personal goals and even how we look. Society often links success, happiness, and self-worth with being flawless.
This idea that we have to be perfect often leads to stress and burnout. We see it in trying to build an immaculate career, achieving the “perfect” body, or crafting ideal relationships. The pressure to constantly meet these unattainable standards is exhausting.
But here’s the kicker: perfectionism can lead to anxiety. Dr. Santos and Burkeman discuss how chasing perfection leads to constant stress.
You’re always chasing an ideal that’s almost impossible to hit, and the pressure becomes suffocating. In this mindset, mistakes aren’t just part of life—they’re failures. And failure? That can feel catastrophic.
Instead of growing and thriving, perfectionism fuels self-criticism, fear of judgment, and a feeling of inadequacy. This myth of perfection doesn’t lead to happiness; it often chips away at our mental health and overall well-being.
What is Imperfectionism?
Now, let’s talk about imperfectionism. This isn’t just a fancy word—it’s a mindset. Imperfectionism celebrates the natural flaws, inconsistencies, and unpredictability of life.
Unlike perfectionism, which demands flawlessness and piles on pressure to meet unrealistically high standards, imperfectionism invites a more balanced approach. It acknowledges the value in mistakes, growth, and embracing imperfection itself.
Imperfectionism is about accepting that life is messy, and you know what? That’s okay. Rather than striving to control every little thing, imperfectionism encourages us to be more flexible, forgiving, and open to learning from our experiences.
Why It’s Crucial to Accept Life’s Messiness
Life is messy. It’s the truth that many of us avoid but can’t escape. Relationships struggle, plans don’t always unfold the way we want, and personal growth often comes with setbacks. But here’s where imperfectionism comes in: it teaches us to embrace this messiness as part of the human experience.
When we stop demanding perfection from ourselves, we free ourselves from the constant stress of trying to maintain some idealized version of life. Accepting that things won’t always go the way we want creates room for creativity, resilience, and, ultimately, authentic happiness.
Dr. Santos and Burkeman discuss how accepting imperfection leads to better mental well-being. Instead of being overwhelmed by the gap between reality and perfection, imperfectionism cultivates a mindset of acceptance, self-compassion, and flexibility.
By letting go of the pressure to be perfect, we can approach life with more ease, joy, and a deeper connection to ourselves and others.
Practical Tips for Embracing Imperfection
Lesson 1: Stop Waiting for the “Perfect” Moment
A common trap we all fall into is waiting for the “perfect” moment to take action—whether it’s starting a new project, having a tough conversation, or making a major life change. This perfectionist mindset can paralyze us because, let’s face it, the “perfect” moment rarely arrives.
The truth is, waiting for ideal conditions often leads to procrastination and missed opportunities. Life is constantly evolving, and perfection is out of reach.
Rather than waiting for everything to fall into place, take small, imperfect steps toward your goal. Progress, no matter how messy or flawed, is far more valuable than staying stagnant due to a fear of failure.
In the episode, Dr. Santos and Burkeman emphasize how waiting for perfection often stops us from growing and discovering new possibilities.
Embrace the present moment, take imperfect action, and trust that you can adjust as you go along. By doing so, you’ll build momentum, learn from your experiences, and eventually reach your desired outcome—imperfection and all.
Lesson 2: Let Go of the Illusion of Complete Control
We often strive for control over every aspect of our lives—from relationships to work—in an effort to produce flawless outcomes. But here’s the thing: life is unpredictable, and there are countless factors outside our control. Trying to micromanage every detail only leads to frustration and, ultimately, burnout.
Dr. Santos and Burkeman stress that the pursuit of complete control is a myth. It’s something that holds us back from accepting the imperfection and uncertainty inherent in life. Rather than trying to control every variable, they suggest embracing adaptability and becoming comfortable with the unknown.
To embrace imperfection, let go of the need for constant control and accept that not everything will unfold as planned. Releasing this illusion allows you to enjoy the journey rather than obsessing over outcomes.
By granting yourself permission to be imperfect, you can cultivate resilience and find peace in life’s messiness. You may not be able to control everything, but you can control how you respond to life’s unpredictability.
Lesson 3: Prioritize What Matters and Accept That You Can’t Do Everything Perfectly
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to feel pressured to excel in every area of life—work, relationships, hobbies, health, and more. This constant need to be perfect everywhere can create overwhelming stress. However, perfection in every area is simply unrealistic, and trying to achieve it leads to burnout and dissatisfaction.
Dr. Santos and Burkeman advise focusing on what truly matters to you and letting go of the need to excel in every aspect of life. They encourage us to prioritize our time, energy, and resources on what aligns most with our values and goals, instead of spreading ourselves thin in the pursuit of perfection.
This lesson encourages self-compassion and the understanding that it’s okay to be imperfect. You don’t need to be the best at everything; rather, focus on doing your best in the areas that matter most to you.
Shifting this mindset can help you feel more grounded and at peace, knowing that imperfection is a natural part of being human.
Lesson 4: Cultivate Self-Compassion When You Fail
Failure is an inevitable part of life, but how we respond to it can make all the difference. Rather than berating ourselves or hiding our mistakes, Dr. Santos and Burkeman stress the importance of practicing self-compassion when we fail. This mindset lets us treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a friend who’s going through a tough time.
Self-compassion involves recognizing that failure is a natural part of growth, not something to be ashamed of. It’s about acknowledging your mistakes, learning from them, and giving yourself the grace to move forward without guilt or self-criticism.
By cultivating self-compassion, you can avoid the spiral of negative emotions—such as shame or self-doubt—that often accompany failure, and instead, see setbacks as valuable opportunities for personal growth.
Dr. Santos and Burkeman recommend asking yourself questions like, “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I support myself through this?” This shift in mindset reduces stress, builds resilience, and helps you embrace imperfection with greater ease.
Why Perfectionism Holds Us Back
Perfectionism often appears to be a noble pursuit—striving for excellence and never settling for mediocrity. However, this constant drive for flawless results can have serious consequences.
Dr. Laurie Santos and Oliver Burkeman discuss how perfectionism traps us in a cycle of unrealistic expectations and relentless self-criticism. This mindset can lead to several setbacks:
Procrastination:
Perfectionists frequently hesitate to begin tasks due to the fear of not achieving flawless results. This leads to delays and missed opportunities, as they wait for the “perfect” conditions to start.
Increased Stress and Anxiety:
The pressure to perform at the highest level, all the time, creates constant stress. This stress not only affects mental health but can also have negative impacts on physical well-being.
Fear of Failure:
Perfectionists tend to avoid risks or trying new things because they fear that any failure could tarnish their reputation or damage their self-worth.
Inability to Enjoy Accomplishments:
Even when perfectionists achieve something great, it often doesn’t feel satisfying because it wasn’t done perfectly. The constant search for flawlessness makes it hard to enjoy success.
How Embracing Imperfection Leads to Personal Growth and Happiness
On the other hand, embracing imperfection can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life. By releasing the need for perfection, we open ourselves to several benefits:
Increased Creativity:
When we free ourselves from rigid standards, we open up to the creative process. Experimentation and innovation become possible without the fear of mistakes.
Greater Resilience:
Accepting failure as a natural part of life makes us more resilient. We learn how to bounce back from setbacks, becoming more adaptable and better able to cope with challenges.
Improved Mental Well-Being:
Letting go of perfectionism reduces the anxiety and stress that come with trying to meet impossible standards. This leads to a more peaceful and content mindset.
Deeper Connections:
When we embrace our imperfections, we become more empathetic and authentic in our relationships. This fosters stronger and more meaningful connections with others.
Ultimately, embracing imperfection helps us grow and thrive because it aligns us with the reality of life—messy, unpredictable, and beautifully imperfect. It is through this acceptance that we can truly experience happiness and fulfillment.
How to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Letting go of unrealistic expectations is key to embracing imperfection and living a more peaceful, fulfilling life. Dr. Laurie Santos and Oliver Burkeman discuss various strategies for overcoming the pressure to meet impossible standards and finding peace in the present moment. Here’s how you can begin:
Overcoming Fear of Failure and Anxiety About Future Events
Recognize that failure is part of success:
Fear of failure often stems from the belief that one mistake will ruin everything. However, failure is an essential part of growth and learning.
Instead of viewing it as something negative, see it as an opportunity to gather insights and move forward stronger. The path to success isn’t linear, and each misstep is an opportunity to refine your approach.
Challenge your inner critic:
Perfectionism is often fueled by harsh self-judgment. Learn to identify and challenge those self-critical thoughts.
Ask yourself, “Is this expectation realistic? Is it necessary to be perfect to be valuable or successful?” By reframing these thoughts, you can break free from the cycle of self-criticism and create room for self-compassion.
Shift your focus from outcome to process:
Instead of obsessing over the end result, try to enjoy the journey. When you focus on the process—learning, growing, and making an effort—the pressure of achieving perfection starts to fade. Embrace each moment, and let the process itself be a source of fulfillment.
Practice mindfulness:
Mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present moment, rather than worrying about the future or rehashing past mistakes. Simple breathing exercises or meditation can calm anxiety and bring you back to the here and now, helping you regain perspective and peace.
Embracing Uncertainty as Part of the Human Experience
Accept the unknown:
Life is inherently uncertain, and we cannot control everything. Learning to embrace uncertainty, rather than resisting it, can lead to greater peace of mind. Instead of fearing what might go wrong, recognize that uncertainty opens the door to new opportunities for discovery, growth, and unexpected joys.
Let go of the need for perfection in outcomes:
Not every event or goal needs to unfold according to a perfect plan. By accepting that life’s uncertainties are natural, you free yourself from rigid expectations and make room for spontaneity, creativity, and the beauty of the unplanned moments. Imperfection often leads to the most rewarding experiences.
Practice self-compassion:
When you let go of unrealistic expectations, be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to not have all the answers. Showing yourself grace when things don’t go according to plan reduces anxiety and helps build resilience in the face of challenges.
Reframe your perspective on failure:
Rather than fearing failure, embrace it as part of the human experience. View failures not as setbacks but as stepping stones toward greater wisdom and growth.
It’s not about avoiding mistakes; it’s about learning how to adapt and thrive despite them. With each failure, you gain valuable lessons that lead to greater success in the long run.
By letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing uncertainty, we free ourselves from the paralyzing fear of failure. This shift in mindset opens us up to the beauty of life’s unpredictability. It encourages a healthier, more resilient approach to life that allows us to grow, adapt, and flourish—imperfectly.
As we step into a new year, it’s the perfect time to leave behind the weight of unrealistic expectations and embrace the freedom that comes with imperfectionism.
By letting go of the need for perfection and accepting life’s messiness, we open ourselves to personal growth, deeper connections, and greater happiness.
Remember, perfection is a myth that only holds us back. Embracing imperfection allows us to show up authentically, learn from our mistakes, and celebrate progress rather than perfection. Life is full of unpredictability, and it’s in those moments of uncertainty that we often find our greatest opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
So, as you move forward, I encourage you to take the leap—let go of unrealistic expectations, be kinder to yourself, and embrace the beauty of imperfection.
This year, choose to live more freely, with a mindset that values effort over flawless outcomes. The imperfections are where the magic happens, and it’s time to make room for that magic in your life.
Here’s to a new year filled with less pressure, more growth, and a lot of grace. Embrace the imperfect journey ahead!
FAQs
What is imperfectionism, and how does it differ from perfectionism?
Imperfectionism encourages embracing flaws and learning from mistakes, while perfectionism strives for unattainable standards and can lead to stress and anxiety.
How can I stop being a perfectionist?
Shift your mindset to value progress over perfection, practice self-compassion, and focus on doing your best rather than seeking flawless results.
Why is perfectionism harmful to my mental health?
Perfectionism often leads to stress, anxiety, and burnout, as it creates unrealistic expectations and fear of failure, hindering personal growth and happiness.
How can I embrace imperfection in my daily life?
Accept that mistakes are part of the learning process, focus on what matters most, and practice self-compassion when things don’t go as planned.
How do I deal with the fear of failure when I stop striving for perfection?
Change your perspective to see failure as a learning opportunity, not a reflection of your worth. Understand that imperfections are part of the human experience and contribute to personal growth.
